Information and support

How to support a friend

How to support a friend disclosing an incident

If a friend has told you that they have been raped or sexually assaulted, it’s likely to have been one of the hardest things they have ever had to say. It may happen soon afterwards or could have taken them weeks, months or even years to feel able to talk to anyone about what has happened.

Most people have little experience of helping someone through a traumatic event such as a sexual assault or rape, so it’s normal to feel unsure about what to do. What is important is that you care enough about that friend to want to help.  
This guidance aims to help you, help your friend.

Remember to:

• Listen to your friend.
• Be patient.
• Ask them how you can help: you might have ideas about what they should or shouldn’t be doing but it's important to allow them to come to their own decisions without feeling pressured.
• Give them time: as well as listening, you need to remain patient. Try to resist asking them about the details of the assault because they might not feel ready to talk about it. If they don’t feel ready to talk, it can help if they write it down as it can help them to start to make sense of what has happened.
• Give them space: knowing when to give someone space is vital. An important part of their healing process will be to regain a sense of control over their life, so allow them to do this as much as you can.
• Avoid taking over: respect their decisions and never plan their recovery for them. Only they know how they feel, so it's important they’re allowed to recover at their own pace. You could help them find useful information but don’t insist on them doing anything or speaking to anyone they don't want to.
• Reassure them: Tell them that you believe them; don’t judge and don’t blame them. 
• Don’t ask ‘how much did you drink?’ ‘What were you wearing?’ ‘Why didn’t you …?’ or say things like ‘You should have …’ These questions or statements might be interpreted as disbelief, or blame and could make them very distressed.
• Be consistent: being supportive over a long time is very important. 
  Sexual assault or rape impacts people in different ways and they may experience a variety of feelings and emotions for a long time afterwards. Don’t expect your friend to react in a particular way. There is no ‘normal’ response to rape or sexual assault.
• It is not your place to tell others, share on social media, call the police, or confront the perpetrator. But if you think they, or others are in danger or at risk then it may be appropriate to tell someone else.

For further information on who to contact, visit our Wellbeing for Students webpages.

How to support a student (for staff)

Rape and sexual assault are extremely traumatic events and it will be very difficult for a victim to speak about their experience. It may have taken them weeks, months or even years to be able to talk to anyone.

If someone is telling you what happened, it indicates that they trust you. It is also possible that a student is telling you because events are affecting their academic performance in your module or course.

You should not assume that the victim has told anyone else and it is crucial to have the right response.

Victims are often terrified of people knowing about what has happened to them and will ask you not to tell anyone else. As a member of staff, you cannot promise the student complete confidentiality because there are some situations, for example where they, or someone else might be in danger, where action might need to be taken.  Once a disclosure has been made to you, the University is deemed to be put on notice that the allegation has been made.

Listen

Be patient and listen to the person and let them talk in their own time. Try not to show shock, panic or disbelief. Do not ask for too many details about what has occurred, particularly specifics of a rape or sexual assault. We have specialist staff members who are trained to make a record of their account, so that they don’t have to keep repeating their story.

Believe

It is absolutely crucial that you accept what is being told to you and that you do not question it nor ask any questions which may suggest doubt or disbelief. For example if you say, ‘I just can’t believe it!’ this may be interpreted as ‘I don’t believe you’.  

Do not ask questions about  the victim’s actions which signify fault on the victim’s part, such as  ‘were you drunk?’ or ‘what were you wearing?’ or ‘why didn’t you scream?’ or ‘why did you let x in your bedroom?’ or ‘why didn’t you ring the police?’ or ‘why didn’t you report it at the time?’  

Do not ask any ‘why didn’t you do (x)’ questions and do not suggest what the victim should or ought to have done.   

Do not question the victim’s account.  

Do constantly reassure the student that you believe them, that it’s not their fault, and that you are sorry that this has happened to them.

Reassure

Respond to the student in a caring manner, expressing empathy. Ask if you can call anyone for them and what they need right at this moment.

Reassure the student that you will help them access the support they need, and you are not judging them.

Reassure them that there is no ‘right’ response to rape and sexual assault and that whatever they are feeling emotionally is perfectly normal. Different people react in different ways and want different outcomes.

Whilst it is your job to be supportive of the student in this moment, you can’t promise to give ongoing support to the student, as this may not be in the best interests of them or you. You should reassure the student that there is professional and confidential support available with experts who have experience of those in their individual situation. That support is available within the University and externally and we can help them to access it.

Assess and signpost

What happens next depends on what you’ve been told. Assessing the situation and making a decision does not fall entirely on your shoulders. You can request support from the student wellbeing team using Support and Report for students. You do not need to disclose names of students involved to the team. You can also call Devon Rape Crisis or First Light in Cornwall, for specialist help and/or refer the student to our Support and Report form themselves to get the right help.

Self-care

It’s really important to look after yourself as this will be upsetting. We have lots of wellbeing support for colleagues and you can find out more on our Colleague Wellbeing web pages. It includes counselling sessions via Spectrum Life.